Amestris's Next Top Alchemist
by WistfulStar
Summary: Ed, Roy, and a bunch of other state alchemists enter a contest to compete for the title of Top Alchemist. Purely random... No pairings shown...Meant to be funny.
1. Maybe if I win this, I'll get TALLER!

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA and the title is a parody of America's Next Top Model

A/N: I wrote this a while ago back in August... it didn't really feel good enough to be posted on here. So lately, I've been going back and editing it. Now, it's almost bearable to read... :)

Don't expect much though... :(

Enjoy~

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**Chapter 1**

_Every year, Amestris's state alchemists have to pass a certain recertification process in order to sustain an operating license. However, many state alchemists feel that this method is too mild and ordinary for their brilliant talent and skills. As a result of this, Fuhrer King Bradley introduced a new form of examination that had caused quite a stir among the military. A group of five state alchemists are brought together to compete in a series of challenges in order to obtain the grand title of Top Alchemist. The winner will not only be given special access to top secret researches within the military, they will also get an enormous increase in their annual funding. _

"Mr. Elric! Mr. Elric!" Sergeant Brosh ran furiously while trying to catch up with the Elric brothers. "Wait! I have a letter for you from the Fuhrer. It's urgent!"

The 15 years old prodigy slowed down in his tracks and turned around with an irritated expression on his face. He quickly grabbed the letter from the breathless sergeant and tore it open impatiently. His brother Alphonse looked over Edward's shoulder to catch a glance on what was written in the letter.

It took Edward about 4 seconds to categorize this letter as "useless". Without a word, he threw it to the ground leaving a gaping sergeant behind him.

"C'mon Al," he motioned his brother to follow him. "We're going to miss the next train!"

Al, on the other hand, being much more mature and sensible than his brother picked up the letter and skimmed through it. His eyes widened in surprise as he realized what was written inside.

"Wait, brother, the letter said you have to be at central in 2 days for your state alchemist recertification. We can't leave now."

"Don't worry about it Al," reassured Edward. "I never go to these things anyway, it's just a formality. Besides, we have more important things to worry about, like getting our bodies back."

"You know, going this time might actually be good for you Edward," Sergeant Brosh suggested as he walked toward the two boys. "Word in central is that the Fuhrer had changed the reassessment process so it's in the form of a competition now. I heard that the winner gets this huge amount of money in their funding and special access to some of the top secret researches! With that much resources at hand, you'll bound to find something regarding the philosopher's stone, not to mention something that might make you grow taller, not that you're short or anything. I didn't mean that. Hahaha." The sergeant laughed nervously as he watched the boy's face darkening in an angry shade of red.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN BE SEEN THROUGH LAYERS OF MAGNIFYING GLASS?" Edward fumed as he glared daggers at the sergeant. Alphonse slapped his forehead in embarrassment.

"But wait! This is perfect!" the Fullmetal Alchemist's devious eyes suddenly gleamed with wickedness. A plan has developed in his extraordinary brain. "If I win this thing, then I can for sure find another lead to getting our bodies back. Not to mention I can rub it in Mustang's face and finally get some damn respect. Ahahaha, I can just see it now, his face filled with shock and amazement as I proclaim my new win in front of his disgustingly-sarcastic mug. Ahahaha! 'Why Fullmetal, I have never expected you to be achieve such great success in such a little time' 'Well you see colonel, those top secret researches turned out to be quite useful to us. Not only have we got our bodies back, I have also grown to being 7 feet tall. You see, greatness can only be achieved through hard work and determination, or in my case, winning a competition in which you had pathetically lost in' 'Well said, Fullmetal, let me bow down to you in order to honor your vast sea of knowledge' Ahahaha!"

As Edward was lost in his unrealistic fantasy, Alphonse quietly wheeled his brother back to the hotel room while hopelessly explaining to onlookers that his brother was not really crazy, just a little touched in the head.

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A/N: Well, congratulations for making it this far, I hope nobody died from such a crappy story yet... ;)

btw, I might just delete the story based on how many reviews/alerts I get, I don't really want to poison any reader's eyes as they look at this...


	2. Let the contest begin!

Disclaimer: same as last time, don't own it

A/N: Second chapter hehehe, sorry my style of writing is kind of rushed and simple. Any suggestions on how to elaborate a story?

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"Ladies and gentlemen, we're here today to witness one of the possibly greatest events in Amestrian History!" Through the microphone, Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes's voice echoed in the entire arena. "Five alchemists will compete today for our fabulous prizes, which includes an enormous check, and exclusive access to top researches within military. In fact, I'll even throw in a couple of pictures of my beautiful daughter! Look at her, isn't she adorable. You know, she's turning three this year! Oh I can't wait to see her overly cute and angelic –"

Before Hughes can finish his detailed description, the attempt was interrupted with angry remarks from the military.

"Get on with it!"

"Yeah man, we don't care about your family!"

"Bring on the alchemists! We want to see blood!"

"Alright alright, geez!" Hughes muttered to himself. "It's not my fault I have such a lovable family."

"Now without further a due, let us meet the 4 amazing judges!" Hughes continued. "Introducing General Olivier Mira Armstrong, also known as the impregnable Wall of Briggs. Though not an alchemist herself, she has both the strength and integrity of a thousand men. After dealing for years with the cruelty of the harsh North, nobody knows it better than her the true meaning of 'Survival of the Fittest'!"

The General barely looked up throughout the introduction, but one can clearly see through her curtain of long blond hair that her icy blue eyes mean business.

"Secondly, we have a foreigner who traveled all the way from the great country of Xing, give it up for Mei Chang! Not only is she a specialist in medical alkahestry, she is also known for her unique far-ranged attacks!"

Mei's elaborated braids flowed in the wind as she smiled brightly at the crowd. Her sharp eyes busily scanned the mass for someone possibly fit for being her prince. To her disappointment though, nobody seemed to match up with her expectations.

"Next up is a renowned alchemist who had traveled all around in order to gain his vast knowledge. He may seem like a dirty old man, but it will be a mistake to underestimate him in a fight. Also known as the Fullmetal Alchemist's father, let's hear it for Van Hohenheim!"

Hohenheim waved politely to the cheering mass of people. His long blond hair was tied in a messy ponytail behind his head. With spacey eyes and a lazy expression, it's kind of hard to imagine that he is one of the most skilled alchemists in Amestris.

"And last but certainly not least, introducing the Ishvalan monk who has an unhealthy obsession with terror and revenge, let's welcome, Scar! Scar is a skilled alchemist whose specialty is destruction with his right arm. I'm so glad that you were able to set apart our differences today and be a judge for us. Isn't that right, Mr. Scar?"

Scar's face seemed impassive, but if one looks closely, they will see that years of torment and pain had carved themselves permanently onto his features. Those cold red eyes were long ago hardened by the burden of society.

"As there are creators in this world, there will also be destroyers in order to maintain the balance." Scar replied. "I am simply here to decide on which worthless military dog shall be the most challenging to bring to the wrath of God."

"Ahahaha, um, well said, Mr. Scar!" Hughes shivered as he backed away from the dangerous man. "Now that you've met the judges, let's bring on the five contestants!"

With a swift motion, Hughes pointed to Edward, who looked rather fired up in his striking red coat. "Put your hands together for Edward Elric – the Fullmetal Alchemist! Despite his height, this young man had proven himself to be a fine – "

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE CAN ONLY LOOK STRAIGHT IN THE EYE WITH AN ANT?"

Hughes smiled as he ignored Ed's angry outburst and moved onto introducing his best friend. "Here, we have Colonel Roy Mustang – the famous Flame Alchemist, hero of the Eastern Rebellion and the biggest womanizer in central!"

"BOO, give me back my girlfriend!"

"You suck Mustang; you're nothing but a fake phony who just want a promotion!"

"Go die in a ditch will you?"

A normal person would've been easily fazed by the raging protestors, but Colonel Mustang was of course, a man not of the usual standards. He calmly waved to the crowd as if nothing was happening and flashed his signature smile – something influential enough to render all female beings within 6 feet completely powerless against him.

"Up next, we have Shou Tucker – the Sewing Life Alchemist." Hughes attempted to calm down the angry mob by introducing the third contestant. "This talented man had created a talking chimera not long ago with his skillful biological alchemy."

The Sewing Life Alchemist seemed alarmed by such a big group of people. He just looked onward, uncertain of what to do. As he stood there, silent and motionless, he couldn't help but think about the experiments he can perform with all these living creatures (the crowd).

The day was coming to an end. Lieutenant Hawkeye quickly motioned Hughes to wrap up the pre-show.

Receiving the message, Hughes nodded and hurriedly started to finish off the introduction. "And finally," he began, "our last two contestants for the day, Solf J. Kimblee – the Crimson Alchemist and Major Alex Louise Armstrong, as his name would have it – the Strong Arm Alchemist! Kimblee is well-known for his explosive tactics that had proven to be quite beneficial to the military during the Civil War. Major Armstrong is famous for his strong arm techniques that had apparently been passed down through generations in the Armstrong family!"

"It's true!" the Major bellowed as he, in one flourishing motion, removed his shirt. "This beautiful well-toned body you see here is a perfect example of the artistic sculpting in the Armstrong family!"

While the Major was busy broadcasting his long, complex, family history, Kimblee quietly calculated in his head how many bombs he can make with all the human materials in the crowd. He smiled cruelly as he remembered the smell of burnt flesh and terrified screams he encountered so much during the cold, bloody war. Oh yes, he mused, those were the days.

"Well, that concludes our pre-show today! Thank you everyone for joining us in meeting the judges and contestants!" Maes Hughes quickly announced as a growing-more-impatient-by-the-minute Hawkeye reached for her gun. "Be back to find out who will be eliminated after the first challenge tomorrow!"

As the crowd slowly disperses, Hughes watched as the 5 contestants bickered with one another, with occasional outbursts by Edward regarding his vertically-challenged body.

"So who do you think will win?" Hawkeye asked as she watched the amused expression on the Lieutenant-colonel's face.

Hughes smiled but didn't answer.

This should be interesting.

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A/N: Reviews, criticisms, pretty much anything (no flames plz) is welcomed!


	3. PART I: What is with you Amestrian men!

Disclaimer: don't own it, and never will

A/N: Thank you all so much for your awesome awesome reviews. You guys totally made my day! Well, all the time you guys took to review paid off because here it is - the third chapter (even though I really should be doing that stupid English assignment thats due next week. Anybody here read "the most dangerous game" ?).

Enjoy~  
and please review and provide constructive criticisms, I really need to improve on my writing...

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**Chapter 3**

The "house" in which the alchemists were staying at was eerily silent even though it was already 8:00 in the morning. The five men were soundly enjoying their much needed rest due to their endless arguments from the previous night. Edward tossed, turned and muttered something that, if one listens closely, sounded like "bastard colonel" in his sleep. All was quiet before one shrieking alarm shook the alchemists' perfect dream worlds.

"Good morning, everybody!" boomed a loud, familiar voice from the nearby TV that just suddenly magically turned on by itself. "Hope you guys all had a wonderful night because my daughter sure did! She's totally adorable and cute. I almost couldn't leave her this morning to come to work. But a job is a job so I guess I'm stuck with you morons for a few days. Anyways, by the door you will see a Hughes-mail that has all the written instructions for today's challenge. Good luck, alchemists!"

Hughes's face disappeared as the TV blinked into darkness.

With a loud groan, Edward slammed the blanket on top of his head, vigorously trying to shut off the world. His feeble attempt was useless though because even through the thick sheets, he was still able to hear Major Armstrong's low, penetrative voice reading the annoying letter.

_"A rose, a flower, a kiss from the start, bring all you need to woo a maiden's heart."_

**. . .**

"In order to be a top alchemist, he must not only possess great alchemic talents, he must also be considered a high-classed gentleman with good charm and charisma to the ladies." Mei Chang explained with a sparkly expression in her eyes. The panda on her shoulders mimicked her movements. "He must behave like a prince fit for a princess and attend to her every need. That is the true essence of being a great alchemist!"

"That's more like a slave than a prince, you stupid bean-sprout girl!" commented Edward in an irritated tone. "Charm has nothing to do with alchemy. Everybody knows alchemy is science and man's greatest gift. You can't get without giving, that is the golden rule in which my brother and I diligently follow everyday!"

It was still early in the morning but the contestants had quickly arrived to the arena to receive their first challenge. They were given a brief explanation on how the competition worked. The rules were simple. There are 4 judges and 5 contestants, each judge would create a challenge and in the end eliminate one contestant. At the end of the competition, only 1 contestant would remain and that individual will be crowned "Top Alchemist". Unfortunately for Edward – whose emotional capacity was as miniature as himself – Mei Chang was the judge of his first challenge.

"Because I'm feeling nice today, your task is going to be rather straightforward." declared Mei with a broad smile. "Each of you will take me out on a date for 1 hour in turn. During which, you must try to impress me in any way possible. At the end of the day, I will assess each of you by the quality of our date and eliminate one person who will be stupid enough to piss me off. Now boys," the little girl flashed an evil grin, "you have three hours to prepare. Try to impress me."

As each of the 5 contestant disappeared off to make plans, Edward wandered aimlessly in the streets, feeling completely clueless and hopeless. It wasn't like he never went on a date with a girl before; there was Winry and all the automail appointments, those counts, right? No, it was the feeling that he was going to say something rude and mess up everything. "You can't just go mouth off anything you want in front of somebody you want to impress brother, use your head!" his even-tempered brother Al had once scolded him. But sometimes he couldn't help it. Being extremely honest and blunt was just a part of who he is. And with that thought, Edward let out a frustrated sigh.

"What's the matter, Fullmetal? Worry that I'll beat you totally and completely in this challenge 'cause you can be assured that I will. Women are my specialty you know."

Even without turning around, Edward knew the heavily sarcastic tone anywhere. Besides making Ed's life a miserable hell, flirting was just another one of the Colonel's many hobbies.

"Why don't you put that hand in where your mouth is Colonel, I'm sure that'll do you a lot of good. Saves me the trouble of having to listen to your disgusting rant."

"Now now Ed, is that any way to talk to your superior officer, not to mention someone that'll soon be kicking your ass in this contest? When I win, I will have the power to make all female officers wear tiny miniskirts!"

"Don't you have something to do, you stupid matchstick? Believe it or not, not everybody enjoys seeing your ugly face."

"My my, Ed, you're really hot-tempered today. I'm sure Mei Chang would love to have a wild little shorty for a date. Anyways, see you tonight Fullmetal, when I win. Ahahaha." And with that, the colonel left the vertically-challenged alchemist grumbling loudly behind him.

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"Where are we going, Major Armstrong?" Mei asked as she stepped into a highly luxurious limo provided by the Armstrong family. Her eye busily scanned the fancy, high-classed vehicle. They did not have these in Xing.

"Why my place, young Mei," declared Armstrong. The sparkles that had always accompanied his face seemed extra shiny today. "I'll give you a grand tour of the Armstrong mansion and have the cook make us something special. Care for some flowers, my beautiful princess? Flowers prepared by muscles like this are certainly one of a kind!" after a quick show of his heavily toned body, Armstrong handed a bouquet of roses to the excited girl.

Hmm, good figure, wonderful manners, high-classed lineage, this man could very well be my prince, Mei thought happily. This was her first date of the day and she's already having so much fun, maybe this country wasn't so bad after all.

Meanwhile, Edward was pacing the streets, hungry and frustrated. It has been two hours and he still didn't come up with a date idea yet. It was pure luck that he had been chosen to take Mei out third. Ed checked his watch, if everything was according to schedule, Mei should be at her first date with Armstrong right about now. That little advantage gives him about another two hours to figure something out.

But he was still very worried.

Sure, Edward had many ideas on where to take Mei. He thought about restaurants and amusement parks, but then he realized that everyone else would be taking her to those places. He wanted to do something more unique, more fitting for his personality. Unfortunately, his genius brain doesn't function very well when it comes to women and children, or anything cute and cuddly in that matter.

So, he decided to do what he always did when he needed some advice.

He decided to call his loyal and dependable little brother, Al.

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"As you can see, this is my great-great Uncle Lieutenant General Armstrong, who was best known in the Southern wars against Creta. Oh, hearing his stories always touch me deep in my heart!"

They had spent more than forty minutes already touring the Major's grand mansion. It was rather exciting at first for Mei, who was used to living in the poorest village in Xing, to see all the fountains, statues and servants that seemed to surround the place. But going around looking at portraits of mustachioed men was more than enough for the little girl.

"And this, my beloved Mei, is my Grandfather Brigadier General Armstrong, who was a great political man in his years in maintaining this nation's financial welfare and safety. Many say I much resemble him. What do you think?" And with a swift motion, Major Armstrong had removed his shirt for the twelfth time in less than an hour. "This incredibly beautiful stature is something that had been in the Armstrong family for generations!"

Mei could care less on whether or not the Major resembled his grandfather. To her, they all looked the same, big moustache and an overly muscular body, along with sparkles that framed their faces every time they spoke. "Can we do something more fun, Major?" complained Mei. "I'm sure you've got something cool in a place as big as here."

"Something cool you say?" Alex pondered. "Yes of course! Let's go visit the statue room. I've always taken great pleasure looking at sculptures of my great and successful ancestors!" Before Mei could even comment on the idea, the Major had already dragged her away.

This could be a long day. Mei thought miserably.

**. . .**

"What do you mean you don't know where to take a girl brother," Alphonse said in a defeated tone. "How can you be so dense?"

It had been a relaxing day for Al. Since Edward was out competing, he had nothing to do but enjoy the peace and serenity that was rarely applicable when his hot-headed brother was around. After spending sometime at a local shelter feeding homeless cats, Alphonse had returned to the hotel and started to do some reading. Everything was nice and quiet before Ed's phone call interrupted.

"Hey! Don't call your older brother dense! I really need your help on this one. That stupid bean-sprout girl had asked all of us to take her out on a date. How am I supposed to know where to take her? And how is this in any way related to alchemy? This is such a stupid challenge! Wait 'till this competition is over, then I can go beat the crap out of that silly girl – hey Al! Are you even listening?"

Alphonse shook his head and let out a big sigh. "You know, brother, you're making this a lot more complicated than it actually is. Girls like guys to just be themselves. Take her someplace you would enjoy, I'm sure she'll like it too. And take some flowers with you too, girls like those kind of things. And please don't go badmouthing anything that didn't go your way. Oh and please act like a gentleman and actually show some manners. In fact, forget what I said, please _don't_ be yourself. You might scare the poor girl away… Hello brother? Hello? Did you hear what I just said?"

Edward on the other end pondered on the single sentence Al had told him. _Take her someplace you would enjoy huh,_he thought. _Maybe this won't be as bad as I thought._

"Thanks Al, I know I can count on you!" and with that, Ed hung up.

"Hello, brother? Brother? Did you hear what I said in the end? Where are you taking her? Brother?"

Oh dear, Alphonse gulped.

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A/N: This was originally only the first part of chapter 3 but the whole chapter turned out to be too long (5000 words and ongoing). So I decided the cut it in half and this is only the first half. Hope the ending doesn't seem too abrupt!

Reviews (and criticisms) are love~


	4. Part II: What is with you Amestrian men!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for this failed excuse of a story

A/N: Hey everybody, long time no see! This is the fourth chapter and this story had gone much longer than what I had originally expected to. Thanks to everyone who had taken time to review. You guys are totally awesome, just like Edward!

Enjoy~

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**Chapter 4**

"Um, Mr. Kimblee? Aren't we going on a date?" Mei asked in confusion as they suddenly stopped in front of the thick, dark, woods just outside of central. After Armstrong's date, Mei thought nothing could be stranger. But this was a whole different level."

"Yes of course," Kimblee replied with a smile that would usually be considered warm on a normal person's face but just looked out of place on his. "Here we are."

"What are we going to do here, there's nothing but trees."

"And animals sweetheart," Kimblee answered as he handed Mei a gun. The girl cringed at the deadly weapon. "We're going to do one of my favorite sport of all time – hunting. It will be exhilarating."

**_…_**

"Hey Fullmetal, have you decided what you're going to do yet, if I'm not mistaken, you're going next, right after Kimblee finishes. Try not to overuse your head too much. We all know who's going to win anyways. Ahahaha!" The colonel laughed as he patted Edward's head.

"Ugh!" Edward glared at Mustang because with each pat, he felt like he was getting shorter and shorter. "Don't underestimate me you dirty old bastard. I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist and I always live up to my name. Don't you have someplace else to be? When is your turn anyway?"

"Right after you," Roy replied with a grin. "You know, now that you look at it, this kind of gives me an unfair advantage, not that I need it, to the other contestants don't you think?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"You see, right after Mei has a terrible time with you. She will come running into my arms. Her date with me will feel like heaven compared to yours. Your failure will not only be a disadvantage to you, it will also enhance my success. So, I came here to thank you in advance. Ahahaha, good luck Fullmetal, you only have 15 more minutes 'till it's your turn." And then Mustang strolled away, leaving an angry small alchemist throwing fits in the streets.

**…**

"Why are you laughing so manically Mr. Kimblee?" Mei Chang asked as they approached the dead deer she just shot. The whole thing was actually rather enjoyable despite her first impressions. The blood would have been a slight bit nauseous, but Mei was trained in alkahestry – a medical art. She had seen her fair share of blood.

"It's the thrill of the hunt, Mei Chang," Kimblee responded with a sadistic look on his cold face, "the feel of supremacy and control over your powerless victims. Enlightening, isn't it? Look at how the blood is gushing Mei, don't you feel the urge to feed on its hopelessness? You know why I enjoy hunting? Because it reminds me of Ishval! The terrified faces and helpless screams were simply thrilling. It was music to my ears! Tell me Mei, don't you just want to blow that desperate animal to pieces?"

By now, Mei Chang had already hidden herself behind a tree away from the insane man. These dates just get worse and worse. Maybe her ideal prince just doesn't exist in reality.

**…**

The Fullmetal Alchemist waited impatiently in front of the military building. He really disliked the building because it, along with many other things, reminded him of his annoying superior officer Mustang. But this was where Mei had told him to meet her. No one was here yet. Obviously, Mei was late.

Checking his pocket watch one last time, Edward let out a deep sigh. It took him forever to figure out the perfect place to impress the girl and now she doesn't show up. This day just plain sucks.

Another minute had passed before Edward saw a small figure staggering her way toward him. When Mei got closer, he realized that the dress she wore had bloodstains. Startled, Ed rushed over to make sure she was okay. There was no way he was going to let a judge die and miss out on the prize of the competition.

"Mei! What the hell happened? What's the blood doing on your clothe?"

Mei pushed him away. "It's just animal blood. Anyways, just take me on the date already. Get it over with. I've had a long day."

Unhappy with her tone, Edward scowled at the tired-looking girl. "What do you mean 'Get it over with'? You know I spent hours this morning figuring out where to take you, you stupid girl. If I had it my way, I would say this whole thing is just a complete load of bullshit. But since I'd already wasted all that time, I might as well get on with it. Listen you little bean-sprout, you're going on a date with me and you damn hell better enjoy it! Here, take the flowers. Al said you girls like these silly things."

Mei Chang stared blankly at the angry alchemist. The whole scenario seemed reversed somehow. Wasn't she supposed to be the complaining girl who needed comforting in this kind of situation? Of course, "normal" didn't really apply to any of the alchemists that took her out on a date today. So, without a word, Mei accepted the flowers with gratitude. At least he remembered them, she thought.

Only when she looked down at the blooming plant she had realized something was wrong. "Eh, Ed?" she asked in confusion. "What are these?"

"They're flowers you idiot. Are you dense enough to not realize that?"

"I know they're flowers you dimwit. But why did you give me carnations?"

"What's wrong with carnations?"

"Oh nothing, except it's what you give to someone when're DEAD! Are you trying to suggest something?"

"What? How am I supposed to know that they're carnations? They were the first thing I saw when I went in the store. Just be happy I brought you something you ungrateful brat!" Edward fumed.

"I knew you were short, but I didn't know you were short on brains as well!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU STUPID GIRL? DON'T THINK I WILL HESITATE TO SKIN YOU ALIVE JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A CHILD! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M TALLER THAN YOU!"

Mei sighed. Normally, she would continue to argue with that idiot boy but she just doesn't have the energy anymore. "C'mon Xiao Mei," she gestured to her miniature pet panda which sat dutifully on her shoulder throughout the entire day. "I'm fed up with this. I need a break."

"Oh no you don't," Edward frowned as he grabbed the girl by the back of her shirt collar, "I told you that you were going to have a good time and you damn well will. Let's go." And with that, Ed dragged the protesting girl away.

**…**

Alphonse was seriously enjoying his alone time. Sure, he loved his brother and would totally throw his own life away to save him, but peace and quiet was much too infrequent for him to pass on. He admitted he was a tad bit worried after Ed had called but then he realized that Edward will figure something out. His brother had never been one to plan things ahead, but things had always turned out to be fine. With that reassuring thought in his mind, Al carefully opened the hotel menu book, secretly making a note on what will go on his list of food he will eat when he gets his body back.

**…**

"Eh Ed, where the hell is this."

"Are you really as stupid as you look? Where do you think this is?"

"You idiot of course I know where this is. But _why _are we here. Aren't we supposed to be on a date?" Mei thought that nothing could shock her anymore than she had already been shocked today, but apparently, she was wrong. What the hell is this dim-witted guy thinking, picking a place like this for a date?

"You don't like it?" Ed asked in confusion as he noticed the obvious frown on Mei's face. "They have just about everything here. It's where my brother and I constantly visit when we have free time on our hands. How can you not like it?" Well, Al told him to bring her to someplace he enjoyed himself and he did, he thought. What was wrong with the bean-sprout girl?

"I just really don't think it's a good idea Ed. There's nothing to do!"

"What? How can you say that? I can spend hours, or even days in here without ever feeling bored. First the flowers and now this, you know what kid, you're too picky for your own good!"

"Picky?" Mei screeched. "I'm picky? All I wanted was to have a nice, relaxing day with some entertainment. And this is what I get? Do you have any idea what I've just went through this morning with Kimblee and Armstrong?"

"That's not my problem. It's your own fault you chose such a goddamn waste-of- time challenge! Now, you better stop all your complaining and start enjoying your damn self!"

"Enjoy myself?" Mei argued in a loud voice, causing several people to shoot disapproving looks toward her. But she was too frustrated to care. "How the hell do you expect me to enjoy my self when we're in a freaking _LIBRARY_?"

"What's so bad about a library?" Ed questioned angrily. How can this idiot girl not like a library? He would be ecstatic if someone had given him time to read all day. It took him two hours to come up with this idea and now she's telling him that she doesn't like it. Ungrateful brat, Ed thought, wait 'till this competition was over and I'll punch some sense into you.

"Would you two be quiet!" an unlucky bystander a few feet nearby complained to the arguing pair. "I'm trying to read!"

"Then you better read with your mouth shut you moron," Edward threw a glare as sharp as daggers toward the now terrified man, "before my fist becomes the only thing you'll be reading!"

"Well, I'm out of here!" Mei diverted the attention back to herself as she jumped, with one fluent and graceful motion, out the window. Leaving a speechless Edward alone by himself with still twenty minutes left of the date.

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A/N: Hope that wasn't too bad. I kind of really struggled on figuring out where Ed would take a girl so in the end, I just decided the library. Sorry I'm lame. :(

Anyways, expect pretty slow update from now on 'cause first term report cards are coming in and you know, this is when the teachers start bringing out their BIG projects 'cause they have no marks for us. =_=

Thanks for reading :)

REVIEW!


	5. Part III: What is with you Amestrian men

Disclaimer: Never owned it, never will

A/N: Hey guys, did you all missed me (hopefully)? It took me quite a while to write this chapter because i keep on deleting things 'cause things didn't feel right. There aren't a lot of funny parts in this chapter (T.T) because I just wasn't really feeling the mood lately. But to make up for not updating for so long and lack of good jokes, here's 3000 words! (It's mainly quantity over quality though).

Anyways

Enjoy~~

And please review because that makes me so so so so so so happy and it'll inspire me to write more and update faster XD

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**Chapter 5**

Roy Mustang wasn't expecting Mei Chang to arrive so early. But since he had the day off because of the competition, there was nothing to do except wait. So he decided to appear early to where Mei had instructed to meet him – which turned out to be a smart decision after all.

The colonel was busy polishing his transmutation circle-embedded gloves when he saw the girl staggering toward him, almost in tears. While putting on a concern face, Mustang couldn't help but let out a small cheer in his mind. It was evident that Fullmetal had unsettled the girl. Everything was going according to plan.

"Miss Chang, what's the matter?" he asked as he walked toward Mei.

The girl didn't even look up. If it wasn't for her panda, who in some bizarre way in which no outsider could possibly understand, reminded her to stay, she would've fled right back to Xing. But she had made a promise that she would judge the contest and a Xingese never breaks a promise. Therefore she let out a weary sigh and muttered "Let's just get this over with."

Sensing Mei's worn attitude, Mustang did what he always did when he wanted to impress a woman – he put on a sincere smile and snapped his fingers. The gloved hand in his pocket unnoticeably triggered a shortage of oxygen in the air with alchemy, causing Mei to feel a slight lightheadedness and weak in her knees. But before she even realized she was falling, she was already in Mustang's arms.

"Lovely child," Roy began in his most hypnotizing voice. "You're tired. Perhaps you should rest a bit before we have our date."

Mei was caught completely off guard by the gesture. Now that she had a better view of Mustang's face, she started to realize that the man was in fact quite handsome: a clean-shaved face, casually yet nicely framed by jet black hair. Maybe this date wouldn't be so bad after all.

Letting out a small giggle, she quickly stood up. "I don't think resting would be necessary, I'm perfectly fine," Mei replied. No way was she going to waste a minute with this man.

**…**

Deep within the walls of the Tucker mansion, the sewing life alchemist carefully prepared all the necessary materials for his "appointment" with Mei. This is going to be perfect, he thought, nothing could possibly go wrong.

The sad chimera cries echoing from the basement cellar contrasted his thoughts.

**…**

"Here, try some of this." Mustang smiled as he gestured to the plate of delicious looking mushrooms. "It's an Amestrian specialty. I don't think they have this in Xing."

"Nunn, tey dun't." Mei muttered with a mouth stuffed with food. It was so thoughtful of Mr. Mustang to take her to an Amestrian specialty restaurant. The foreign food is amazing. Though all the flirty looks the colonel was getting from waitresses were kind of pissing her off.

"You must be starving," Roy mused as he watched Mei wolf down the food like a hungry hyena. "I would've assumed you ate with the others before my date."

"Oh no," the girl winced as she remembered her painful day. "All those morons took me to such bizarre places. Thank goodness for you" Mei batted her eyelashes at Mustang. It was hard to resist. The man oozed charisma and confidence in just about everything he did.

Roy laughed. The plan was working; his charm was tearing the girl to pieces. Next, a romantic walk down the beach will seal him as the challenge winner for sure.

"Have you had enough to eat, Mei?" he asked as he watched the stack of empty plates in front of her. Not long ago he had met a Xingese hobo with a hot bodyguard that had just as big of an appetite as the girl. Do all foreigners eat a lot when they're in an unfamiliar environment?

"Hahaha," Mei laughed nervously as she slowly, and unwillingly, put down the fork. If she wanted to leave a good impression on the man, then she had better just hold in the demanding hunger. "Yes, I'm just about finished." There was no way she was going to look like a pig in front of someone as princely as Colonel Mustang.

"Great!" Roy exclaimed as he waved to a blushing waitress who had been eying him for the past half an hour. He quietly chuckled to himself as the girl hurried over without a moment of hesitation. As the girl drew closer, he sighed quietly too himself, if only life was as easy as getting laid.

"How can I help you sir?" the giggling waitress asked, in Mei's eyes, with a little too much eagerness.

Mustang simply smiled and ignored the unnatural enthusiasm. "We're finished here."

"Oh, um, no problem," replied the server disappointedly as she hurried off to print the receipt.

Meanwhile, Mustang had diverted his attention back to Mei. What he had been doing the whole time was simply a typical custom he used on all women. Sweet words and a full stomach can sway anybody. However, now that he looked at the girl more carefully, he began to notice the delicate features that most would define as an exquisite face. Those deep brown irises and porcelain skin accompanied with soft braided hair could rival much of the beautiful women he'd seen in central. Something in her eyes resembled much like the person who had sworn to stand behind him. Determination, he mused, and the willpower to never give up.

**…**

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW UNGRATEFUL THAT STUPID GIRL WAS? AFTER ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THE DAMN TO TAKE HER, IS THIS HOW SHE'S TRYING TO REPAY ME? HOW DARE SHE RUN AWAY BEFORE THE HOUR WAS EVEN FINISHED? IS SHE TRYING TO PISS ME OFF ON PURPOSE? JUST WAIT 'TILL I GET MY HANDS ON HER! I'M GONNA STRANGLE THAT IDIOT GIRL TO PIECES ALONG WITH THAT UGLY CAT OF HERS…"

Alphonse calmly waited for his brother to vent off his anger before putting the phone back near his ears again. It was so predictable for Ed to mess up something as simple as a date. Sure, his brother was a renowned alchemical prodigy who can probably recite the periodic table backwards if he wanted to. But when it comes to women, Edward has just about as much charm as a stapler.

"You know, Ed" Al sighed as he tried to explain for the God-knows-how-many times this afternoon, "if you had just kept your temper then maybe she wouldn't have run. Believe it or not, a person can look rather unappealing when they're swearing at the top of their lungs."

"Al, are you her brother or are you my brother?" Ed grumbled unhappily at the other end. "It was totally not my fault this time. I did everything you told me to. The whole thing was that brainless girl's fault. I swear, if I get eliminated just for this then I WOULD MURDER THAT –"

Alphonse exhaled a deep breath and tilted the phone away again from his face to save his poor metal ear drums. So much for peace and quiet, he sighed.

**…**

"So why did you come to Amestris?" Mustang asked as he and Mei casually strolled along the shore of a nearby beach. Continuous patterns of crashing waves set up a steady rhythm of _swoosh_ in their ears. Seagulls cawed in the fazing afternoon sun. Soft sand prickled Mei's feet as she took off her sandals to fully enjoy the welcoming warmth of the ocean. Needless to say, the child had never seen such a beautiful place.

"Our emperor is sick," the girl replied to Mustang's question. She paused, and then looked up at the sky, whose vivid blue contrasted the darkness of her worries. "If I can bring back something that will cure him, then the Chang clan will prosper once again."

"You're a brave girl then." Mustang commented as he, like Mei, looked up at the crystal clear sky as well. It stretched endlessly, seemed impossible to reach. Was the dream of becoming Fuhrer as far as touching the sky? He certainly hoped not. It had been his life long goal to rule over Amestris and demolish those unlawful rules Bradley currently upheld. There would be no more war, he promised. Not another soldier will have to cry again because of unnecessary murder.

The two fell quiet for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. It wasn't until the urgent cry of a sea bird did Mei remember something important.

"Holy crap, I'm late for my last date!"

**…**

Mei sprinted towards the military office building, praying with all her hearts that Tucker would not be too angry. She had heard numerous rumors about the mysterious alchemist that weren't really pleasant to hear. Trailing not far from behind, her adorable panda was out of breath but still had managed to keep up with its master.

"Sorry I'm late!" Mei puffed as she halted to a stop in front of the thin, impassive man. "I got too into the last date I lost track of the time."

"That's okay Mei," Shou Tucker's quiet voice had replied in a soothing and calm manner. It was no doubt comforting yet somehow it had sent chills down the girl's spine. "We should hurry, if we want to get to what I had planned for us today."

**…**

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had never realized that time can pass by so agonizingly slow when you have nothing to do. Of course usually, the strict Lieutenant always had something in her agenda, even though most of it involved babysitting the lazy Colonel.

Everybody in the office was surprisingly quiet today. Breda wasn't eating and Fuery wasn't bringing in another random stray. Havoc was, for once, focused on his tasks instead of flirting with that new secretary in the hallway. It was unexpected of them to sit at their seats and calmly do the paper work even though that was what they were paid to do. But then again, the Colonel was usually the one leading the riots. Without him around the office lacked an air of liveliness. We need him, Riza admitted to herself, despite his terrible influences on his subordinates.

Frustrated, she let out a weary sigh and glanced at the clock. If everything was going according to schedule then the first challenge would be over in just about forty minutes. She would soon have to get ready to go to the arena for the judging. Those state alchemists can be rather deadly. Who knows what will happen when one of them gets pissed off when they're eliminated. Based on past experiences, she would have to watch out for the short one.

**…**

The long, dark corridors in the Tucker Mansion were more than just unsettling. Maybe it was because of the disturbing chimera cries that echoed throughout the entire house. But Mei thought it probably had something to do with that eerie, spine-chilling smile on the Sewing-Life alchemist's face. To put it simply, the man's presence was disconcerting. Mei had noticed that something was up as soon as they walked in. Behind her, the panda shivered.

"It's a really big house, Mr. Tucker." Mei asked politely as she had felt the need to break the overpowering silence. "Do you live alone?"

"Yes," replied the man's low, raspy voice that somehow reminded Mei much of a snake's slithering tongue. "My wife left a few years ago and she took my daughter with her. She thought I was too poor. Ironic isn't it, how I've obtained the state alchemist certification just weeks after she left."

"I'm sorry for your loss." Mei commented sadly. What a miserable life Mr. Tucker had suffered. Maybe he isn't really as creepy as he seems.

"There's no need to apologize," Shou suddenly turned around as they arrived at the door to the basement cellar. "With nobody around, I can devote most of my time to my research."

"What kind of research are you working on?"

"Biological alchemy, Miss Chang," answered Tucker as he slowly twisted the doorknob that leads down to his underground laboratory. "Since you've studied alkahestry in Xing I figured maybe you would find my work rather interesting."

"I would love to take a look at your studies!" exclaimed the foreign girl. This is perfect, she mused, this man might not seem like a prince but he can at least help me find the secrets of immortality!

The seemingly friendly man simply grinned at the little girl's enthusiasm. With a strange smile, he pushed open the door. "Come then," he whispered, almost more to himself than to Mei. "Let me show you."

**…**

Mustang was rather surprised when Mei suddenly dashed off screaming "I'm late!" on top of her lungs. The date went down rather smoothly and according to plan. However, he didn't anticipate that he would've enjoyed it nearly as much. Women were kind of a specialty of his and there's no greater bore than perfection. But Mei had surprised him. With her naïve innocence and fierce determination, the Xingese girl's vicious bravery threw him completely off guard. Mei and himself were so similar on so many different levels. Each was pursuing after an impractical dream. But in front of others, Mustang would never admit what he just thought. He would say that everything was in his expectations because that's what he was supposed to say. In secret though, the flame alchemist prayed for the little girl to be safe in her future journeys. Best luck to both of them in achieving their goals.

On a happier note, it's time to make some victory calls, the colonel thought merrily as he dialed the number of the woman who had given him not once, but multiple times, his reasons to keep going.

"Hello? Is this Lieutenant Hawkeye? Guess who's gonna win today's challenge?"

**…**

It wasn't the murky, moldy smell that provided the source of discomfort to Mei. No it wasn't that. At first the girl thought it was only the cold dimness that shadowed the basement cellar. But as her eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, she had realized several things that seemed out of place in an alchemist's laboratory.

First of all, there were huge transmutation circles everywhere, on walls, ceilings, floors etc; basically covering every single surface area in sight. Even with the peculiar Amestrian alchemy, Mei had realized that something was off about these circles. Embodied within the transmutation drawings were pictures of eerie creatures. Animals such as those were never seen in ordinary Xingese alkahestry.

Secondly, it was the cages. At first glance they seemed to be the dusty, rusted ones that were expected in a biological alchemist's lab. But among the large assortment of old filthy cages stood one that was polished and clean, as if they were prepared for something. Under the dim candle lights, the miniature prison seemed to glimmer with utmost intensity.

Xiao Mei shivered.

Shou Tucker quietly closed the door behind him. "Come now my dear girl," he gestured to Mei as he stepped closer and closer to the now scared child. His mouth twisted into a hideous smile, widely showing off his gleaming teeth. It was only until then did Mei grasp that the dark amber irises of the man's eyes depicted signs of mental insanity.

…

Maes Hughes knew from the start that he should not have taken the job to be the host of this dangerous competition. Not only did every contestant in this room have the ability to physically disable him in less than a second, every judge has the ability to do just as well. And presently, one of them did look like she was about to unleash her perilously powerful skills onto some innocent victim (possibly the happy-go-lucky Lieutenant Colonel).

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AMESTRIAN MEN?" the angry girl began with a voice that can put the roar of the Lion King to shame. One thing for sure, that Mei has got a mighty pair of lungs. "DO ANY OF YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN? Other than you of course Mr. Mustang, I was very impressed," the girl paused in between her lecture to offer her sweetest smile to the colonel. "I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER AGREED TO JUDGE FOR THIS STUPID THING. ALL OF YOU SUCK! A DOG WOULD'VE DONE BETTER THAN HALF OF YOU!"

"First of all, you," Mei pointed to Major Armstrong, who looked mortified at the accusation, "took me around to see endless portraits of big mustachioed men! Well, if I wanted to see Santa Claus, then I would've gone to the North Pole!"

"And you," the foreign girl jabbed a criticizing finger toward Kimblee, who stared back at Mei with a look of pure innocence, "took me around a freaking forest killing guiltless and cute animals. If I wanted to see bloody meat, then I would've gone to a butcher shop!"

"And you, shorty," the irritated judged continued without a hesitation toward Edward's heated expression, "took me to a goddamn library! Well, if I wanted to look at words all day then I would've gone to law school! You've got some serious issues to deal with if you're as short on intelligence as you are on body mass!"

And lastly, you!" the fuming child persisted without stopping despite Edward's angry protests. "What were you trying to do, huh Mr. Tucker? Fuse me with Xiao Mei? I don't know where you were educated but at my country, pain and animal abuse were considered as bad things! Excuse me if I was trying to ruin your precious experiments but I think I like being a normal human, instead of some half human half panda hybrid!"

Without even a pause to catch her breath, Mei continued with her final statement. "Roy Mustang is the challenge winner and Shou Tucker is eliminated from the competition!"

And with that, the furious girl stomped off without even a glance back.

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A/N: Hopefully that wasn't too bad eh? I'm sorry for any grammar/spelling/overall in general mistakes. Please tell me in review form (haha i'm sneaky like that in making you guys review) or you can message me!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go fall asleep on this keyboard right now...


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